So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
