Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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