Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just invented taco cereal.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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