R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
