I accidentally had phone sex last night
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
