My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Pants are for mortals
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