I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
