don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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