so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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