pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
