i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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