cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
