i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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