i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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