She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
