DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
