i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
