you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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