I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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