My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
