Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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