It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
