i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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