I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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