U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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