After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
