I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
