it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
