ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
