Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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