It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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