i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
