dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
