Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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