hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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