Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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