is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
