Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
