party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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