Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
