Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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