I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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