Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
