Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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