and you said cock pushups were impossible
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Randomize
