Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
