I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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