2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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