I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
