i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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